In recent weeks, my mental health has taken a further downturn. This was exacerbated by a couple of mishaps at work which triggered a particularly bad episode of OCD over the last few days.
Somewhere in a parallel universe there is a version of me who lives happily without mental health problems. She has bundles of energy, she is a polymath and is an all-round extraordinary success. Meanwhile in this universe there’s the original version – trying to run the same software on stuttering, faulty hardware.
Successive upgrades have only been partially successful. I am riddled with bugs and fragments.
Perhaps it is time for me to uninstall the old software which doesn’t work, which is no longer compatible – that which makes my system slow and prone to crashing.
It’s time I rid myself from the clutter which weighs me down:
- Think carefully about whose opinions of me really matter (i.e. people who have my best interests at heart) and forget about everybody else’s.
- Fight my battles carefully. I am ridiculously over-sensitive to conflict and differences of opinion (even on trivial matters). I need to carefully choose the key topics over which it is worth me risking a spike in anxiety to defend.
- Stop spending money on binge foods and material objects which serve no purpose other than to take up space in my stomach or home.
- Stop spending so much time aimlessly surfing the internet. I seem to do this as a “soothing” activity but it doesn’t help me that much – it drains a lot of time which I could spend doing other more useful things.
- Also much as I love Twitter I should prioritise my time on there to focus on the dozen or so people who regularly take the time to check in with me and spend less time on frivolous “hash-tag hunting”. I also need to take care that I don’t allow Twitter to feed my OCD compulsion to seek reassurance (this, I recently discovered, can be a form of “checking”).
- Continue fighting against OCD so that I can reclaim all those hours which are normally lost to compulsions.
- Give away or sell those items which I don’t use on a regular basis (except for seasonal items).
- Develop more useful habits such as cooking in advance.
- Think about what my true values are and discard any behaviours which deviate from those.
- Spend time everyday on activities which recharge my mental and physical self.
- Recognise that I’ll probably only be able to get one or two really important things done everyday.
I imagine the feeling of the load feeling lighter.
It feels good